Life, death, love and loving football: a review of two new football books

In this 'holiday' away from Premier League football, where have had to feed our obsession by watching the Euros and have suffered from the predicted poor performance from the England team, I've tried to follow my special tips on coping with the three month break (see last blog post).

It hasn't been easy...I'd say I've managed to keep up with the exercise, catch up with friends and moan about the Olympics. But must put a massive FAIL next to finding a lover and not talking about Mr Barton. However, I have spent some of that extra time doing a spot of reading. Having recently celebrated my birthday I received from my brother an interesting book by Manchester City supporter Colin Shindler (also writer of Manchester United Saved My Life) who has just released a sequel: Manchester City Ruined My Life. Not long after, I was lucky enough to receive a copy of a new QPR book that is due to come out on the first game of the season (18th August, 2012): It's A Game of Two Halves, by Frederick RJ Hartman.

Why was I ok about reading a book about the memoirs of a Manchester City supporter? Well it was a gift, and my brother did say that he thought I'd find it interesting given that I write a blog about the passion of being a football fan. Once I'd finished reading it (and I was so engrossed it took me just a day to do so), and started to read the second memoir by Hartman I was immediately struck by the similarities. However, while the premise of these two memoirs might appear similar at first, there are fundamental differences in the values these two men hold in regard to how they support there teams. And while I'm keen to support a fellow QPR fan, I felt that I could do Hartman's novel more justice through comparing it with Colin Shindler's book.

Here are two English men from very different walks of life: Shindler- a well respected academic and writer who has published several books and novels, and (as I understand it) Hartman, of whom this is his first foray in to the world of serious writing ever. This is apparent in comparing the style of prose - whilst both are memoirs written in the first person, Hartman's  is more chatty and 'colloquial' while Shindler's has a more prosaic ebb and flow that draws you in immediately and is in some ways, easier to read because of that.

Interestingly, both men are Jewish, but Shindler was brought up in Manchester and Hartman in Neasden, London and Norfolk. And whilst neither could be called practicing they both chose to talk about how the identity has shaped (or not) shaped their lives. Not only this, but the experiences we see and live through in their eyes are not always happy ones: the death of their close family members and friends are somehow woven in to a timescale defined not just by months and years but by football seasons. I found myself crying as I read some of the most personal details of pain and suffering that Shindler witnessed and felt (remembering my own struggles at the loss of my mother), and while Hartman's prose didn't move me to tears, I was still touched very much by these important events in his life.

However, I am afraid it can't be said, and it is obviously apparent in the title, that Colin Shindler has as much love for his football team as he did when he first started supporting it. He tells the story of having been disillusioned by the billionaire buyout of the club: first by the corrupt Shinawatra and then by the very private Abu Dhabi royal family. And he also talks about how he just can't cope with the idea that fans from places like China might be able to support his team via 'mobile phone' apps. Much of this, it has to be said, stems from some of the ludicrous marketing ploys of ex chief Garry Cook. It can't be easy supporting a team that - in fairness - already has a following much bigger than that of Queens Park Rangers, to find yourself facing owners who are terrible at communicating, and do not make their fans feel loved. I for one think that Shindler is living in a fantasy world. It appears he is a purist when it comes to football in the modern day - and while I can understand where is is coming from, he has stopped himself from the joys of supporting a football team because he has a strong moral stance on the whole issue of where football in this country is going. I am afraid I am not that moral. Call me a dirty slut, but I'm enjoying the entertainment that it brings and enjoy it for what it is, just like I enjoy the X Factor (well ok, a bit more seriously than that). But perhaps it is because City have not really been through the real lows that Queens Park Rangers has, that he cannot understand the sheer joy fans of the Rs feel simply because we don't have to worry about administration anymore. Is that really the world that he would rather inhabit than one where the fans can really enjoy watching a good football team, albeit because it has more money?

It's all upset Shindler a lot. So when I picked up It's a Game of Two Halves it was a fresh relief to just read indulgently the passions of a mad football fan. The first half of the memoir charts Hartman's growing obsession with the Rangers from childhood to the present day, with the second half focusing on each game of the season that we were promoted to the Premier League. It's lovely to read about the songs he sings, the crazy things he does to support his team home & away and sometimes on QPR Player, because it is something most of us fans can relate to. And while Shindler sits there, from his very middle class and educated world (both kids having gone to Cambridge and he is a lecturer there), moaning about the money-oriented business, we have Hartman who in the 80s still used a tin bath in the living room to wash and still spends his hard earned money obsessively supporting his football team. I remember writing some time ago (after the Manchester Utd match away), about the fact that one day even we may have to put up with the globalisation of our team. And we already are. The team is going to Asia for pre-season tour, and two planes are going to be branded 'Queens Park Rangers'. But we have clever owners. Fernandes is a keen fan of twitter and we are regularly kept abreast of developments at the club. It makes us all feel involved in the process even if really aren't. I don't know what it's like to support another club, but with all the changes that have happened it still feels like we're a family.

Funnily enough both writers also talk about the rise of social media. For Shindler, he has absolutely no interest and considers itself something he has no sympathy for in 'modern society'. Again, it's another example of how a part of him won't move with the times and simply let go. The truth is, if you aren't online, you don't exist for a lot of people now. So while I was a little sad not to find a twitter page for him I was more annoyed that if I wanted to I probably had to write an old fashioned letter to him  sending it by post, to say thank you for creating a great book. Hartman on the other hand was able to find his long lost friend Nigel Paice, the publisher of said book via Facebook. And social media is also how I have managed to impart these words to you all. So there!

So with these thoughts swirling in my head some things did strike me. Being a female and a football supporter, I was struck with how emotional both Hartman and Shindler were and just how much they revealed about their lives and how the door was open for us to feel their hurt and suffering. Perhaps it's because I am a relative outsider to the UK not having been born here that I notice it more? Then again, I've always said you only really see English men show emotion when they are watching a football match. Naturally, this is a sweeping, broad generalisation and it isn't just about men at all really is it? Being committed to supporting a football team brings with it a certain license to be emotional about something we cannot control but which (for the most part) brings us great joy (yes, even through the games where we lose). And I suppose it helps us deal with all the things in our own lives that are sometimes just too tough to manage alone. Even if we choose to exclude ourselves from it like Shindler does so defiantly, we are still defining our lives by it.

So between Hartman and Shindler who is right in all of this? Well, both are really. And both have a right to be. As it turns out, Hartman's final analysis is to step back from the Rs a little as well, but not for any 'moral' reason only simply because his best football friend  'Queenie' is now sadly passed on and he feels that something has died inside him as well.

And my final analysis?  If you want to experience a bit of indulgence go for It's a Game of Two Halves. If you want to depress yourself with a negative prose about the future of football feel free to go for Manchester City Ruined My Life. But even better, do what I did and go for both. It'll refresh your memory as to why and how we get obsessed with football and what it means to this island nation of ours.

It's A Game of Two Halves will be published on the 18th August, 2012. And is available to pre-order on this website. It will also be available on e-book that day.  Please also take the time to make a donation to the wonderful Tiger Cubs of QPR Community Trust on the same site.

What to do for three months....

The end of last season was so exciting that I didn't stop to think about how hard the next three months would be. I didn't stop to think about how I would fill those Saturday afternoons, how my Skybox wouldn't fill itself up with MOTD episodes and extended highlights of all the matches we would win, how little news there would be, and how we would have to contend with supporting a below-par performing national football team in the Euros. I didn't even really stop to think about just how hard it would be not to write my blog on a weekly basis. I suppose you could compare it a little to the way it felt all those years ago at school when you were absolutely desperate to stop studying and for exams to be over, but by the time you were a few weeks in to summer you were actually looking forward to starting school and seeing all your friends again even if it meant having a to do some work.

So, to that end, I have decided on this bank holiday of holidays that is the Diamond Jubilee weekend to write a blog post. And herewith are 7 'top tips' on what you, my dear QPR friend, can do to ensure you get through this summer period in a relatively sane state of mind, and arrive at QPR's next game feeling rested, fresh and ready for another season supporting the Rs through thick and thin.

1. Make up for lost time

I know that during the season Saturday's are a no-go territory for visiting or spending time with friends and family (other than those who are also supporters of QPR). I do turn down birthdays, going-away parties, dinners, BBQs, hen dos, weddings if they are held during match day. So why not, use this as an opportunity to over-compensate for letting all your good friends down during season? Call them annoyingly every week and ask them to come out to the pub or invite them over for dinner. Even if they can't see you or aren't available, at least you've tried loads of times and that should hopefully put you in credit for at least half of the next season.

2. Brush up on your International football supporting behaviour

Join in the fun, learn how to make paper aeroplanes and throw them annoyingly on the pitch during a friendly at Wembley. This really shows your passion and spirit in supporting the England team. Obviously, spend some time reading all the literature: pick up FourFourTwo and start believing the England can win (they think so). Download all the Euro 2012 calendars and turn those in to paper aeroplanes as well.

3.  Learn to watch other forms of entertainment

Spend time watching things like singing competitions or concerts, such as the one showing tonight - the Diamond Jubilee concert. This allows you to be able to vent your frustrations in a way that you are used to throughout the season, via slagging crap performers off, and moaning about how little talent there is available. This can be a rather cathartic exercise, and if you are on twitter, this also helps to improve your ability to complain with great wit whilst working within a 140 character limit.

4.  Get a lover

Well, it is summer, so if you are single...how about making it a 'summer of love'? Not only do family and friends suffer during the season, but if you are truly obsessed, one's love life can take a backseat. I know I cancelled my membership to 'findaqprman.com'  as I devoted all my free time to supporting the Rangers. And passing the time in throes of love making does tend to make it fly quite quickly doesn't it? Before you know it, we'll be at the start of the season. Just make sure that person a. supports QPR b. supports QPR and c. doesn't support Chelsea.

5. Get fit

What better time than the summer to spend those extra hours in the gym, or running in the park?  I for one had too many Pukka Pies at Loftus Road last season and am now busy trying trying to get fit. The summer hosts all manner of 5 and 10 kilometre races which you can join, and these are the less serious races where you'll find plenty of other overweight and unfit people raising money for charity. So why not join them and make yourself feel like superman even by just jogging through while thousands decide to walk it?

6. Moan about the Olympics

Why not? Everyone else is? Roads will close, tubes will be packed, no one from London has tickets, and if you did manage to get any you had to pay £6 for it to be delivered (I was one click away from confirming my ticket to the Women's England vs Brazil game but decided against it due to such a ridiculous charge). So instead of watching the Olympics, spend your time moaning about it in the same way that you can for point 3 (above).

7. Break free of the chains of Joey Barton

Take him off your wallpaper and screen saver. Unfollow him and refuse to discuss his transgressions and indiscretions. Ignore all the news that overshadows everything truly interesting that might be happening behind the scenes at QPR to make our club a great club. Hard isn't it? I've done the first two but haven't quite managed the latter actions...

And here ends today's blog post. I hope you have taken all my tips with a pinch of salt and have at least used reading it as an opportunity to waste more time prior to the start of the season.

You could just start a QPR blog like I have, and think about the topics you'd like to cover next season. God only knows what I will be writing about in 6 months time....

Anyway, I'm right in the middle of slagging off Cheryl Cole's singing ability so must sign off...

You Rsss

Space Mountain

Manchester City 3 Queens Park Rangers 2

At the end of my last blog post, I said you couldn't have made up our crazy season. And true to form, last Sunday's match delivered on that thought. Everything about the match represented all the highs and lows we have been through as a club: from the agony of a potential loss, to the ecstasy of salvation through the misfortune of another, through to the disappointment at the antics of a captain we just can't fathom. It really had to be us who played in the match that would define the most dramatic change in the history of the Premier League since it began. Some fans have argued that the passion with which we played the match was overshadowed by what was the media hype surrounding the immature and unwarranted behaviour of Joey Barton. However, regardless of his sending off and the controversy surrounding it the focus was always going to be on City's win. If we had won the match it may have been another story - papers would have been strewn with stories of City's inability to penetrate a QPR team that was already being compared by the 90th minute with Chelsea and how they had battled with Barcelona only a few weeks before. Forgive me if I dislike the comparison...but there it is. The final result meant we are now free, thankfully, from that comparison.

So, while we can't really make sense of how and why things happened the way they did this season, there was some consistency in our record of LWLWLWLWLWL for the last 11 games. This record is represents exactly what it's like to be a QPR supporter: it's a fr***** roller-coaster ride. And for me reminiscent of the feeling that I got when I rode Disney Land's Space Mountain (albeit much more prolonged and worse for my health).

When I rode Space Mountain for the first time, I was sat next to my 'wimpy' younger brother and it must have been over 25 years ago. And I vividly recall him saying his prayers while I revelled at the craziness and sang 'Upside Down' by Diana Ross throughout the ride. Perhaps it was the early stage of masochistic behaviour that was soon to be fed by an obsession with Queens Park Rangers FC.

And what an obsession it has proved to be. It has been a great season back in the Premier League, and as a fan a great experience writing this new blog and making new friends in my travels away as well as on twitter.

Writing the blog has brought me real joy, and made me feel somewhat 'rejuvinated' as a person. Call it corny, but has made me really proud to be here in London, supporting such a great club with such fantastic fans. Even as a wrote the post on the Stoke match from a hilltop in Boracay, Philippines I was missing home and imagining the atmosphere back at Loftus Road.

I booked the holiday in December, perhaps stupidly not thinking that we'd be fighting for survival right to the last day. And my flight arrived just around the half-way point of our final match. Usually the flights in to Heathrow delay themselves as we circle around London hoping for a time spot to land. But to my joy we landed 30 minutes early, and so when the pilot told the cabin crew to take their seats I made sure I grabbed my iphone ready to switch on twitter & Sky Go so I could catch up with the match quickly. 

From there it was a roller-coaster of a ride home. As I made my way to customs and immigration, I could feel the nerves of the #qprtwitfam as we were still 0-0 and Stoke were winning. But it wasn't long before Bolton fought back. And by that point having rushed through to pick up my suitcase, I could hear the Sky Go commentary telling me that City had scored. At half time, I was in this mad rush to get home as quickly as possible and perhaps catch some of the match...but not before picking up some food at M&S. Once I came out in to arrivals,  I rushed in to M&S, grabbed some chicken and then I heard it - Cisse had scored. And I screamed in excitement. People were staring at me in there like I was a loon. I suppose that if they had any interest in football they would not be hanging around at the airport M&S, but I didn't care. I ran up to meet the car that was picking me up. And lucky for me the lovely chap was excitedly listening to the football on the radio. Bless him, he was a Tottenham supporter and I have no idea why he was routing for the Rs, but he was. It was all so exciting, and when we heard about Barton being sent off, I just couldn't believe it...it sounded awful on the radio - and it was embarrassing. And then...the commentator said that 'Taarabt' was making a run down the left hand side and flicked the ball on to Mackie who scored that incredible goal. The guy turned round to me and said 'is Taarabt playing? I had no idea'. Having only just landed I wasn't sure who was in the team or on the bench..and only realised later that this was a mistake. It was screams and shouts in that car all the way down the A312, A40 and A406...and as I paid for my ride, around 90 minutes in to the match I knew that Bolton had only managed to draw and we were safe. As I came through the door in to my home, where my temporary flat mate was watching the game, I thought 'we're gonna do it' and win this one. We were going to cause one of the biggest upsets in Premier League history.

Well, the rest IS history.

And what a welcome home.  We could say that it's a shame that City's win overshadowed a fantastic performance by QPR. Or we could say it's a shame that Barton's antics overshadowed the football press in the following days. But then life would be utterly dull for us if we didn't have something to moan about or fight for, wouldn't it?

And so while I have proclaimed a hope for 'mid table mediocrity' next season, and admittedly looked at Swansea and Norwich with envy at times, there is a big part of me that hopes for another season of excitement. Call me nuts, but this stuff is addictive.

Thank you QPR for driving me crazy.

You Rssss.

Space Mountain (welcometosocal.com)

Intermittent access

Queens Park Rangers 1 Stoke City 0

I write this from the Far East mid way through a relaxing holiday that is just what the doctor ordered. I promised myself I'd write a blog and haven't missed doing so since I started in January of this year. But this could be my toughest task yet given that it took forty of minutes of the first half to finally get a connection to the game online, and the second half consisted of stuttering access...we could just about get running TV commentary but I saw very little passing or movement, and I missed the goal on the 88th minute when the connection pretty much ground to a halt. So no different from your recent average QPR match then?

So I am so not going to pretend that I know anything about how the boys played. Apart from being able to read the reports online (eventually), and also seeing a few highlights from an NZ website (which showed Barton in a very good light) including the player's prostrations of relief at the final whistle, I really haven't a clue from a personal level what happened.

I had lovely day though, all in all. It started with getting to know the chaps who work here at the resort I'm staying in. At breakfast, they suggested a new beach for me to visit on the island and said they'd take me over at sunset. I was happy to go along, but warned them I needed to be back in time for the big match. Football is not a massive sport here in the Philippines. Ironically despite the average height of the Filipino, basketball is. But football or 'soccer' has grown in popularity with the help of the Premier League and the Champions League brands and the growth of Cable TV sports offering Premier League matches every weekend. So it was with some excitement but very little knowledge that the boys started to talk to me about football. They had no idea who 'Quinn Park Ranger' were, but were hungry to understand what it was all about - how fans spend copious amounts of money watching their teams play, and whether we had anything to do with Barcelona or Real Madrid (one day young Paduwan, one day).  'Greg'  met me at 3pm to make our way over to this new beach. He was wearing a yellow Chelsea shirt. This was far from ideal as you can imagine. And I quickly told him in no uncertain terms that this had to change soon. I was keen to make sure that he understood the implications of wearing it that day but to be honest I pretty much got a blank face until the point at which I said, please don't wear that this evening when we all sit down around the computer to watch the game together. Message received, loud and clear.

So as night fell, and we drew close to kick off, a group of us sat around the computer in the middle of a 'jungle hilltop tent' and I had all my links ready to go just in case some worked better than others. It was a hot & sticky night, and there were a few mosquitoes around. But wifi was working, and we had pizza and fried chicken at the ready, and the stage was set for the big showdown.

Or not.

The build up to the match was all excitement and nerves. And then. No streaming video. I tried QPR Player and managed SOME radio coverage but this was fairly intermittent too. So I relied on twitter to keep me in the loop. We did get some pictures by the second half, albeit literally 'screenshots'...But by the 80th minute, I have to say I had given up on  our life in the Premier League. With Bolton still winning at that point I was one of those who was tweeting 'Bye Bye Premier League'. I know there is a small army of fans who would be quite happy to see us winning games back in the Championship instead of going through what we're going through now. But really, judging by all the reactions that I am seeing online, most of us don't want to go back. Who would want to? With all this wonderful attention we are getting after 15 years our of it...NO WAY. I am loving every minute of it. So when I finally saw everyone saying Cisse had scored you can imagine my ecstatic reaction. Needless to say the group of people around me had no idea what was going on as all they could see was a video screenshot of the match that had stopped moving around 82 minutes. Bless 'em. They sat through it all patiently with me even though there was neither good football, nor any real decent streaming coverage to watch.

And then I missed Loftus Road like a big hole in my heart. I imagined all the fans running on to the pitch (exciting but slightly premature methinks), and the players relieved that Bolton had drawn at the last minute, and everyone from the #qprtwitfam having a drink at The Green afterwards. I stayed up for another 2 hours (we're 7 hours ahead here), trying to watch video highlights but I was only disappointed with what was a really poor connetion at that time of night for some odd reason.

I sit here now at breakfast, finally able to show the guys video highlights of the game and shots we made (a few potential corkers from Taarabt & Barton!!). The lads here started saying 'Gametime Hoops', and I thought - you guys have been doing your homework on QPR, only to realise they were talking about something to do with the NBA (how little I do know...). So perhaps it will be a while yet before I can fully convert them over here.

So I am now looking forward to another day in the sun but also missing home very much and feeling so nervous about this weekend.

But, at 82 minutes in yesterday, who would have thought we would still be in the mix at all? The drama that is football, and that is the Premier League is really why we love the game so much (whether we admit it or not). But did I honestly think when I started writing this blog in January that by the time I was on holiday we'd still be fighting for our lives right to the death?

You just couldn't make it up could you?

QPR in the Philippines

Breaking my heart

Chelsea  6 Queens Park Rangers  1

From the off yesterday was filled with gloom. Having spent the previous 24 hours mostly in bed trying to recover from then dreaded flu and praying for the persistent rain to stop, it was with a great sense of gloom and misery that my Dad and I made it to Fulham Road. We tried to find a place for a coffee with the howling wind and driving rain splattering us menacingly and we struggled to both open and/or close our umbrella (you know that feeling?). All we could find were a few restaurants serving, naturally, Chelsea fans. Having decided not to join friends at Earl’s Court, everything from a QPR perspective felt incredibly desolate. We found solace quickly inside the ground where we could at least find shelter from the rain, although what then befell us over the next two hours was something, even as a QPR fan used to losing, I did not expect.

I was hoping for - at best - a spirited and passionate performance from the Rangers, reflective of the the commitment they have been showing at home games, but statistics prevailed and we added to the list of away losses - a record in this season's Premier League. Not just a loss, however, but an annihilation of pretty epic proportions.

I'm not going to dwell on the match. Not going to dwell on the rain-sodden slippery pitch, nor the team formation which played Cisse on the left where he looked extremely uncomfortable, nor the frustrated antics of Joey Barton (hardly befitting a team captain), nor the complete lack of pace or sense of urgency that left us completely exposed to a team that outplayed from start to finish. I'm also not going to dwell on the fact that all we could think to do was sing songs about how Christine Bleakley looks like a horse, and how we had to listen to the crazed antics of fans so upset and incensed with the poor performance the number of times the word f*** was used  by them could fill a book describing the various ways in which you could use the word f***. I'm also not going to think too much about that irritating emcee who should lose his job for inciting away fans by responding to chants of 'who are ya'' with 'you'll soon find out'. And over 24 hours later, I'm trying not to think about some very strange things going on in twitter land where some fans are unhappy with the #qprtwitfam flag (a sort of twisted reaction and continuing bitterness linked to yesterday's result?) Is this no longer a free land where fans can show unity and support for their teams so long as they do not harm others? *Confusing*

The song that kept echoing through my head after the match, was the Everything But the Girl version of I don't want to talk about it. I felt as if QPR broken my heart again. Much like a bad boyfriend who I keep running back to even though everybody tells me he's no good for me.

And when I came in to the office this morning, still worse for wear with the remnants of the flu still apparent, people around me were extremely diplomatic in the same way that people are when you have broken up with a boyfriend. Basically, they didn't say anything at all. It was almost deafening not to be able to talk about it, the way that girls like to, that by the end of the day I turned round and said, 'thanks...for not mentioning the match yesterday guys'. To which they responded 'what match?', in the way that good friends should.

And now I sit watching the Manchester derby. Currently City are ahead by a goal. If it is the final score it will be one which most QPR fans will not be happy with because it will mean the title race is not yet wrapped up by the time we play them on the 13th May. But quite honestly, I'm a bit more philosophical about it. You can't keep wishing ill of everyone else around you when you've messed something up for yourself. And while I feel a little bit single and lonely, and yes maybe a jealous,  I know that time will slowly help and my heart will soon be on the mend no matter what the future holds for our club.

'It was the best of times

Queens Park Rangers 1 Tottenham Hotspur 0

...it was the worst of times'. Kept echoing through my head throughout the match today, even before Taarabt scored from a fantastic free kick. The match itself was filled with everything that a QPR match is expected to bring these days to Loftus Road: agony, ecstasy, pleasure and pain - all in one go. As I've said before I am quite sure that plenty of people suffer increased blood pressure during matches, and there were several 'shrieks' from the crowd when we thought for a millisecond that perhaps we were done for as Tottenham came so close to scoring.

But I also thought about the fact that this was my last home game (as I'll be on holiday during the Stoke game) and wistfully looked back on my experience so far in this season which could quite easily be compartmentalised in to two halves. In January I started writing this blog, and in one of my first blogs after the first cup tie against MK Dons I asked whether this was the turning point in our season. The football we played at that game was ugly, QPR favourite Ale Faurlin got a serious injury, and I think if I remember correctly, it was Warnock who said that the last minute goal from Helguson was perhaps a turning point. Little did we know, however, that the real turning point lay in the massive changes that were to come in the form of new management and a host of new players. At that point in time, our season well and truly became a dogfight, while the previous half was about a QPR team unsure about what it stood for with a varied and less than spectacular run of results.

'...it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity,'

...I then made my journey up to Newcastle not long after, taking the coach for the first time. It was the first of quite a few games where Mark Hughes spent time tinkering with the team, testing out the squad and understanding who could do what. The irony is that those who have really shone through have been our Championship players: Derry, Buzsaky, Mackie and Clint Hill have been invaluable and quite frankly up until a few games ago they were the only ones who looked as if they gave a damn. It's amazing how it appears to have taken so long for everyone else to really show some passion. It's taken so long for the penny to drop that if QPR go down it's not just the club that might suffer, but their own careers as well. It would be unfair to say that our 'shiny' new team of Premier League big boys haven't performed in more recent games, but poor behaviour and a flurry of red cards has made them (Cisse you know who you are) look foolish. But we've also had some bad luck, and Derry being sent off at Old Trafford was the icing on the cake in terms of poor referring decisions. However, it seems we're getting used to playing with ten men. When Taarabt was sent off today, there was perhaps a moment of confusion from the crowd and just a little anger, but as my neighbour said 'it's almost like we just shrug it off now we're so used to it'. By that stage though, I was honestly starting to believe we could really win this match and I remembered all the tweets coming in saying #believe all week.

'...it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair,'

And speaking of tweets, I spent some time at The Green just before today's match, meeting with many people who I've been getting to know in the virtual world. The #qprtwitfam is well and truly established, and putting faces to names and seeing people 'come to life' was a great experience. Hello to everyone I met, I am so looking forward to seeing you all again soon. One of the greatest things about being a Rangers supporter has been meeting fans who are just as obsessive as me. Sadly, apart from my father, I've never had any close friends who have supported this greatest of teams, and so making new friends has been a highlight of my season. My experiences travelling away on the coach have also been a real hoot, especially given that my first coach trip meant being filmed by Sky Sports News at the ungodly hour of 4.30am at Loftus Road. There I was at the 'back of the bus' getting to know other crazy supporters. So even though I haven't yet experienced an away win this season it has been a wonderful season of light for meeting like minded individuals who share the same hopes and fears as I do. It's just like QPR to keep us hanging until the end of the season though...while we have lived through a true winter of despair, the recent home wins against the big teams have brought us a spring of hope.

'we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way'

And so we look ahead, with three games to go. And who can honestly say after these past performances that they aren't winnable? But the first one next Sunday in the hellish depths of Stamford Bridge will likely be the toughest test yet. I shall be there, arm in arm with my dear father who has chosen to grace me with his presence at an away game for the first time ever.

'- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.'

But alas, we are so far from the end of the season as far as knowing what the future holds for Queens Park Rangers. We have left it till the dying end to save ourselves, and will likely because of this, have to suffer from another 'iron on' sponsors logo on our shirts next season whether we are up or down.  Will we be looking back on this season thinking it's much like the one we're in then? My emotions on that subject are completely contradictory. While I hope for a season in which our biggest issue in the Premier League is mid-table mediocrity, I also think it would be dead boring. And if we end up back in the Championship, will I be pining for the excitement of the Premier League?

This is life as a QPR supporter. And the only thing that I am sure of is that I love this club. And while it's been the best and the worst season I've ever lived through so far that one fact will always remain true.

You RRRsssss

Kryptonite

West Bromwich Albion 1 Queens Park Rangers 0

A worrying result yesterday which wasn't really reflective of the overall performance. Towards the end of the game we were hoping for that elusive goal that would salvage a precious point. But for all the effort it never came.

We were hoping that a win yesterday would mean another climb further up the table, alleviating a bit of pressure. But now as always, Queens Park Rangers does things the hard way, and I fear for the health of the fans supporting them as we begin the final month before the season closes.

I watched from home. I just couldn't afford another hundred quid to watch the Rs away so far from home having already having booked tickets for the Chelsea game. This time yesterday fans were really hopeful. What was a decent damage limitation effort at Old Trafford the week before, had given us hope that our poor form away from home would no longer be. It was perhaps wrong to use such a match as an example as nothing ever goes the way it should at that ground. But I have to say that I felt some of the comments coming in from the travelling fans on twitter made us look poorer than we were in the second half. I am sure that this is in part a natural reaction given the effort expended to travel to the Hawthorns. But West Brom showed great determination not to concede under the pressure we were putting them under and it was one of those matches where you could say we didn't actually deserve to lose (unlike most others away this season). Unfortunately, we just can't afford to have those kinds of matches now. And we've now got a frightening four left to go.

At every level, supporting this club over the this next month will be extremely tough for us all. Not just at the matches themselves, but outside them too as we do our calculations and pray that other teams are failing more miserably than we are.

I jest a little about the 'health' thing, and have never truly tested it but I am quite sure my heart rate suffers through violent ups and downs during a match, increasing significantly during moments when we need the Rs defence to simply t*** the ball out of the box. And in between matches I suspect Rs fans will be doing all sorts of things that could be construed as a little crazy such as repeatedly using the BBC Premier League Predictor assessing all possible combinations, watching or not watching MOTD depending on the result, actually supporting other teams in order to save our own, continuing our elaborate rituals and superstitions (lucky shaves, not washing clobber etc etc - see Home Sweet Home post), arguing with other fans on twitter about what's required to beat the drop thereby feeding an obsession that is likely to alienate our non-supporting friends from us further. Some of us have even started to think that Joey Barton using twitter was our very own version of Kryptonite and we were perhaps the other Kryptonians who were impacted by his pitiful display.    

How wrong could we be? In today's Observer,  Joey Barton has revealed plans to launch his own website. The link is already live although the full website is yet to follow on www.joeybarton.com. It seems the young man has now matured from just using 'twitter' where 140 characters is not always enough to make a point without 'being misconstrued', and feels this new site will allow people to interact more visibly (he says that on twitter  'beause of the sheer number of people it's sometimes difficult to see them'). But what exactly is he maturing into? It is obvious that Barton understands that for better or worse, he is a brand. From the perspective of building a 'website' he is also extremely fortunate in that he has an opinion on everything and therefore he will not lack for content. But the interesting part about his plans is that he expects that others will also want to interact with him and with other like-minded people on this site. He has recognised that over 1.3m people want to engage with him on twitter, and it seems that he believes that they will want to take it to another level on a site that is owned by him. I do wonder whether even the mighty Joey Barton will be able to compete against big media brands like twitter or facebook as a place for people to 'socially network' - in terms of functionality and in terms of reaching the critical mass required for it to work. He does say that this is not a money-making exercise and it will not sell advertising space but nor were twitter and facebook to begin with! So you wonder why he doesn't simply manage his social media portfolio more carefully - facebook, twitter and other social channels (some more niche than others) do allow brands and celebrities to interact with their fans in all kinds of ways. Has Barton recognised a gap in the market for a product which currently doesn't exist? Or is he simply fed up of not being able to control what people say to him? At the end of the day if he owns this 'website' he can ultimately have full moderating control. But I will be extremely impressed if this turns out to be something more sophisticated than a forum or a simple 'audience with Joey Barton' and his 'fans'.

So...life really does go on for Joey and for the rest of us off the pitch and away from the game. 

As for me, I haven't watched the highlights or read any reports yet as I am afraid to hear what they have to say. I am hoping for a small miracle and that we only only need 4 more points to stay up. Unlikely. But could we do it with just one win and one draw, or even four draws...?

Supporting a football club is like a religion. And supporting QPR, well you'd have to be mad anyway, so what's just a few more rituals to keep us going until May 13th? Given what has been a poor team performance this season we do need a bit of silliness to lift us out of the mire.

Superman & Kryptonite (Action/DC Comics)