Moving on

Queens Park Rangers 1 Hull City 2

Nottingham Forest 1 Queens Park Rangers 0

Blackburn Rovers 1 Queens Park Rangers 1

Rotherham Utd 0 Queens Park Rangers 3

Queens Park Rangers 1 Wolves 1

Nottingham Forest 0 Queens Park Rangers 0

Queens Park Rangers 1 Ipswich Town

Queens Park Rangers 1 Fulham 3

There is this song by Hard Fi called Move On Now which I quite like. Hard Fi aren't in my top ten list of bands, but they can write songs and Move On Now is a strange ballad for a rock band -with a trumpet in the middle...a sort of jazzy interlude for the rest of that breakthrough album: Stars of CCTV. Of course, the title speaks for itself. This solemn sort of song about a broken relationship as he looks out his window to the planes taking off from Heathrow I have always found touching.

It's a song that's been in my head a lot during this time of great transition both in my life and in the life of QPR. All the more apt when I hear:

Looking out my bedroom window

See the planes take off from Heathrow

One by one they come and go

On and on, on and on

Think about this place I call home

All the shots and all that come

All around, all around

Clubs have all closed down

Nothing's going on round here, it's time we left town

Before it brings us down, down, down

I suppose the one thing I can say as I read this is that there is no way I am getting out of QPR. It's stuck with me as much as I am stuck with it. I am annoyed and angry but I haven't shut up shop just yet. I am good with being angry at the club and the players. I get that. But let's not be so hard on ourselves...Given that we've lost so much recently, we have to remember we are ourselves impacted by grief and change. And if we take that in to account I suspect we're only on stage two of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance).

I think about the places I'd go

It makes me think of the monotony; what it has been like sitting at Loftus Road week in week out. And the reason for the lack of blog posts from me this year...I remember bringing a friend to Loftus Road many years ago. He was trying to like the football for me. But from our seat in South Africa Road he literally plane-watched. I didn't understand it as things were different on the pitch then. But I sure as hell would understand it now. It might be more exciting if I played 'guess the airline' with my Flight Radar App. Endless hours of fun.

I was out of town during the last match against Fulham and out of town again this time. I suppose I must be grateful for being so fortunate, although sometimes superstition does kick in and I think, would we have won if I was there? Fat chance. I did watch on the net though, and from the off I could hear our fans doing their part in what should be a derby where the team must come out for a fight. Twenty minutes in though, and I thought...something just isn't working here. Forty five minutes and I wondered why I had even bothered. At sixty minutes I started falling asleep. And then of course there was the twitter meltdown. Fans angry at the performance, angry at the team's attitude...and rightly so. People calling for the board to sort things out, people calling for Fernandes' head. People are revolted, disgusted...

I honestly don't know where I stand on all of that. There isn't enough that we are exposed to, to truly know the ins and outs both at board level and in the training ground. But what I do know, is that management during a transition period is always hard. There may be times when results go our way and other times when they will not. At the very least, you want the team to show pride in wearing the shirt, a positive attitude. But the human spirit is fragile- what do we know about what might have happened in the dressing room that morning. Or in all the players' various homes - a row with the WAG perhaps or up all night with a new-born baby? Who knows? And how does a manager 'manage' that?

Of course I hope the reason for such a poor performance does lie within the realms of a fortune as opposed to a lack of respect for the shirt. And on that basis, let's say I am not optimistic, but I am sympathetic to the cause of transition and change. It take time, it really does. But for us fans, time is always of the essence because we spend so much of it being such passionate supporters. For many of us, it's the one thing we look forward to week in week out.

Move on Now finishes:

Dance halls are empty

Got a feeling my love, we've gotta get out

It might also be worth just sitting back and continue watching the planes land at Heathrow with that jazzy trumpet playing in the background and just letting things be. Something will move on one day. 

So close

Aston Villa 3 Queens Park Rangers 2

Fulham 3 Queens Park Rangers 2

After a few weeks off, I write this in a strangest of moods. I'm in a sort of half relieved, half angry mood. The last couple of weeks has taken me across the pond for work, and while club football closed down for the internationals I felt a little sad to be far away from home and yet happy to just forget the loss at Villa Park.

Villa Park was a great day out for me in some ways. I was honoured with my dear father @tonydedude's presence, and it was a chance to bond with the man responsible for my addiction to QPR. Not usually his style, he even wore the famous red and black QPR top for me (thanks Dad). We did all the things that you do when you are out with your Dad - nearly miss the train, forget to get a spoon or fork for our take away meal, forget to bring a paper from home for the train journey etc. etc..  Well, as far as I was concerned it was all the better for being able to partake in rare conversation.

The match, on the other hand was fantastic for the neutral, but painful for us. And since it was so long ago now and the we've since experienced another away match of the same score line and the same level of disappointment perhaps I need not delve in to the detail of the whys and wherefores of the poor performance  and our inability to play well for more than 40 minutes.

What I'd like to do instead is share with you a few songs that have passed through my mind these past weeks as we have seen QPR come so close and yet still remain so far from our hope of Premier League survival. This, all in my own hope, of making a few people smile and perhaps shed a few bitter-sweet tears as we near the final chapter of this season and suffer from one of the bleakest, longest and coldest winters I can remember.

Enjoy everyone!!

Running by Jessie Ware

A love song that spells out my obsession with QPR. 'I'm ready to lose it all...' she sings. 'Never give up...never give up.'  My track of the last 12 months. Amazing.

With or Without you by U2

I had this on repeat on my iPod after the Sunderland game at home. It was a great feeling to have such a big win, but, like the song's perfect orchestration I was full of that bitter-sweet feeling of 'hurray, but how long will this last?'

So far away by Kaskade & Seamus Haji ft. Haley

One of my top dance tunes from the last couple of years, there's something about the lyrics 'Live for the night, suffer the day, run from the light, so far away' that reminds me of wanting to close my eyes whenever we're about to attempt to score from a penalty.

Twisted by Ultra Nate

Known more for that bobby 90s track 'Free', this is a masterpiece of a song- one that I always imagine performing with a fabulous jazz band to back me up. Again, a reminder of how twisted our love for QPR can make us.

So Close - by Daryl Hall and John Oats: 

One of Hall and Oats's later tracks released in 1990. A love song that still resonates when I think of QPR. Lyrics like: 'So close, yet so far away, we believe in tomorrow, maybe more than today, we're so close, yet so far away' encapsulates in a nutshell the crap we have to go through when we watch our beloved team week in and week out. And yet still we many of us manage to pick ourselves up and look to the future in the hope of some wins.

All work and no play?

Queens Park Rangers 2  Fulham 1

Well well well, as always QPR manages to defy expectations by beating a relatively 'in form' team after disappointing results against poorer teams. I, like many other fans am so pleased to be celebrating a win (I can't believe it's been that long), and have been able to do the following:

1. Watch Match of the Day in full
2. Watch 'Match Choice'
3. Read the match programme in full

I was stunned to see the team play some sublime football in parts of the game. And I felt a little like a proud mum watching Taarabt who seems to have really found himself under the management of Redknapp (ironically). It's going to be another insane 2nd half of the season (may I point out again that my season prediction is still on course? See Welcome back/to QPR). While it will be heart and gut-wrenching for us all including our owner Tony Fernandes, it will be fantastic for the gates as every game will no doubt give us hope that we may yet again defy all odds and survive in the Premier League and we will continue to visit the temple of the Loft in droves.

I must say I've eaten a few hats since yesterday. Of particular note was the performance of club 'unfavourite' Shaun Wright-Philips who actually seemed to run with a sense of purpose instead of like a blue-arsed fly. Interestingly I'd read an interview with him in the Telegraph which suggested that Harry's approach is making the difference for him, and perhaps for many other of our players. It wasn't quite the approach I had envisaged when he initially took the reigns as manager, although admittedly I am no expert in Redknapp's management style or history with other clubs. My imagination made me think that perhaps he was going to be a bit hard on the lads, tell them their attitudes appear to stink and that they had better 'buckle up' - or else, with venom spitting out of his mouth during training and in the dressing room at half time. However, I was wrong. It appears that he is far more intelligent and clever than I had given him credit for. And he's quite simply being a proper manager: i.e. he is letting everyone play to their strengths. But more interestingly, he is doing this under the guise of the word 'enjoyment'. And somehow this (of course with a number of tactical changes), has unlocked a more attacking and creative team.

I'm not saying we're amazing, that we're great...just yet. But I am hopeful that this approach may actually provide us with a team that might be able to deliver in the medium to long term. This job cannot be easy for Harry. We still do have a bunch of overpaid and under performing players: many of who are not in any way passionate about the club, nor particularly interested in achieving much more in their careers (in all honesty, why would they come to QPR if that were the case?). But what we do have are footballers who still want to play football, and allowing them to play in positions that they want to play in, that suit the skills that they have (sounds so bloomin' simple doesn't it?), so that they ENJOY it more is a simple but potentially effective strategy.

As the year draws to a close, schools are shutting down and many of us will take time off to enjoy the season's festivities, I think about just how much has happened this year at work and in my personal life. It's been extremely busy and I can feel this tenseness in my shoulders when I stop to think and breath just for that millisecond when there is some peace. And I wonder just how I've managed to get through it all? We're all trying to survive, trying to work, make a living, raise our kids, nurture our relationships with partners and friends. Times are tough (and we're still spending our money watching the Rs!). But I am lucky enough to be able to say that I enjoy the work that I do, or at least that I've spent the last 13 years of my career trying to get to the point that I'm really doing the bit that I like. And if I didn't enjoy it by now life would quite simply be a pretty cruddy experience no matter how much money anyone paid me.

I'm not saying that it's all wonderful. And I am not saying that everybody should or can enjoy their jobs, nor that the amount one earns wouldn't impact on how much you enjoy your job. But I think most people aren't so shallow and we make all kinds of decisions that don't make rational sense. I had lunch with a friend today who was saying that things had turned around in his work place, that he was enjoying it much more with a new boss and that he was given a raise for the first time in 5 years. I said that I felt he was still under-selling himself and asked him what he would do if someone offered him the same job in town for £20K more? He immediately responded in the negative, but after I'd been to the bathroom and returned he had thought about it again and said 'Well, maybe I would move.' Perhaps he was right the first time round though? Look at our players who were perhaps attracted by the salaries. Here they are, many of them sitting on the bench and playing for a team in the dregs of the relegation zone of the Premier League. What a right bunch of idiots they might be thinking they are. Or perhaps we've just assumed it was only for the money given we've had to put up with listening to Joey Barton's hideous interviews about how he only came for the money (despite 'unfollowing' him on twitter). We know that SWP, Onuoha, Zamora et al were out of favour at their previous clubs and perhaps all they wanted to do was play some football and enjoy it.

And for us fans, well it hasn't been particularly enjoyable has it watching at home and away. With many of our fans travelling massive distances despite poor results? But we still do it because that's what being a Queens Park Rangers fan is all about. I really enjoyed the Loft For Words piece in this week's programme about just how dedicated the Rs faithful are. Many of us give up or money and precious time for cold, dark nights, losses and poor draws. Clive is absolutely spot on when he points out that all those fans who went up to Sunderland represented the club magnificently. While it could be said that there is an element of masochistic behaviour in this, and we do actually enjoy the process of supporting our team away whatever the result, it is obviously much more fun for us when we see our players playing well.

What do we define as playing well though?

I don't know: I've called it playing with passion, aggression and confidence in past blogs...But if it's playing with enjoyment, so be it.  If Harry knows best and has so far provided us with 6 points in 4 games, I'm prepared to support this line of thinking if it means we'll keep on winning. No there won't be a players' Christmas party this year but why should they have one in the first place if playing football is meant to be their ultimate dream anyway?

Clever

Queens Park Rangers 0 Fulham 1

Afer the match today I took a different route home. Instead of going in to town to come back out west again to Willesden Green I got off at North Acton and bussed it via Harlesden. It was a beautiful afternoon, which followed a beautiful sunny day in London. And after another devastating loss I thought I'd take a route which would give me a bit more time to ponder over things. And I also thought soaking up the vibrant atmosphere of what is meant to be 'QPR territory' might fill me with some semblance of optimism.

Reading all the tweets on the way back, and hearing everyone's comments on the usually dreary walk down South Africa Road it appears most of the fans are now getting used to the fact that next season will will once again be in the Championship. It also appears that most people believe that is ok, so long as the team goes down with a fight. Time and time again, we're not delivering on passion, and I could feel all of us fans in the ground just wanting to sing more and support more. But it was so hard when it looked as if, at times, the players just gave up.

In truth, I think they didn't give up. But I think they sometimes tried to play too much 'clever' football. It seems that the trip to Portugal paid dividends in terms of giving the team a few ideas on some clever flicks and passes, with Taarabt leading the charge in that respect. But a little bit like the way Mark Hughes speaks in press conferences, it all sounds and looks so good, but isn't actually delivering on the promise.

My beautiful late mother was a unique woman. As often is the case between mums and their daughters, we often clashed but were always there for each other when it counted. Many things pissed her off about the things I did, including wearing boots all the time, and not always wearing make up. She also got pissed off with me when I tried to be too clever. Sometimes we'd have a debate. It could be about anything: what's on the news, family gossip, or music that we like or not. I'd come up with all sorts of clever arguments as to why my point was the best one, and I wouldn't give up thinking of wily ways to win. While my mother was a very well educated woman, this tactic absolutely riled her. She used to say frustratingly, 'you're just too...ah ah...too um...intelligent!!'. I would burst in to laughter when she said that. Looking back now, I know the point was that each side of the argument was as right as the other, but she just wondered what the point was in trying to be so clever when you could make your point in a much more simple way.

Let's take a look at another Google definition. Google defines the world clever as follows:  

clev·er/ˈklevər/

Adjective:

Quick to understand, learn, and devise or apply ideas; intelligent. Skilled at doing or achieving something; talented: "she is clever with her hands".

Certainly, it seems obvious to me that the current QPR first team do not lack in above. I wince slightly at reading the words 'intelligent' and 'skilled', simply because you would think that we were none of those given the current form and the fact we have suffered defeat after defeat. But it is fair to say that there were glimpses of some beautiful football today from the lads. Although there is no point in playing that way if you aren't going to deliver - and unlike me as a bolshy teenager arguing with my mother - they didn't even have the fight to turn all the skill in to a real result.

I am ok with going down if we do. And I am under no illusions that we're going to have an easy time there either and go back up - we know from experience what it's like to assume it'll be an easy ride. But I wonder whether there needs to be a reality check in that dressing room? I also think that that reality check needs to include not starting with a few 'big name players' that were promised a consistent place in the team. There is a reason why these players weren't playing first team football in their previous clubs.

Looking back. What a shame it has been such a poor day given it initially had all the wonderful ingredients that could have made it great.

And on that note, this week I saw on the official QPR website that we signed up us one of the clubs to support the Football V Homophobia campaign. A few weeks ago, I wrote about how proud I was of a club and a captain that supported a change in attitudes towards this subject within the game. And I was excited when I read the news of our support, and quickly checked out the official page, the Facebook page and anything else I could find on it.

Boy, was I sorely disappointed. The Facebook page has a total of '93' likes. 93?? I dread to think of the amount of traffic that the official page is getting as well. But you know what? It's got nothing to do with the fact that us fans don't believe in the sentiment. Sadly, it's got everything to do with a campaign that conforms to stereotypes. My brother pointed it out straight away when I showed him the links - 'Ugh', he said, 'Why did the logo  have to be pink?'. Not just the logo, but the website, and the t-shirts and hoodies for sale.

I completely applaud Amal Fashanu for her crusade and her openness and am also glad that Stonewall supports the campaign as well. But in the Independent she says: "The really, really sad thing is when you have people who are actually not gay but fear that they might be categorised as such if they speak up. They don't want to stand up against discrimination. Why? Them saying, 'Listen, let's kick homophobia out of football', that's not going to make them gay." But that's exactly the point Amal - unfortunately, you have got run a campaign that is going to connect with people and fans, so that they don't feel like there is this kind of 'categorisation'. And it seems to me, that the reason why you haven't got more Facebook fans and many clubs aren't signing up is because people need something that speaks to them more than just pink and fluff. Quite frankly, this issue is about discrimination in all its forms, and the Football v Homophobia campaign has got to drive itself up in to a much more serious discussion in order for people to really listen.

It feels like another shame, that such an important cause is being seriously overlooked given that the climate could be very close to the tipping point in terms of how we as a football-going culture deal with the issue. Then again, perhaps we don't really have all the ingredients just yet and that's why it's important that as many teams do get involved in the campaign (fluffy or not).

That said, I've always thought that it will have to take a really big player coming out to really blow things out of the water. Most people relate to other human beings more than 'campaigns', and I can think of one very famous and very clever player at Real Madrid who, once he retires, will likely share his story with everyone.

All in all, as with the Football V Homophobia campaign QPR fizzed out like a damp squib. I really hope that in the next few days, we simply focus on getting a job done, being real and winning as opposed to trying to be too clever.